“I want to start being authentically me. I want to walk proudly and unapologetically in my purpose doing exactly what God called me to do. I want to uncover everything within me and address all hidden fears and past hurts dead on. Ultimately, I want to live freely, being true to myself and not get stuck in being something that I am not.”
This is something that I wrote a few months ago. Each year I create a focus word for myself. This year, it’s authenticity.
When you think of being authentic, you would think that it wouldn’t be hard to do right? I mean, how difficult could it be to be yourself?
The problem comes with not fully understanding who you are. It comes with not taking the time to face what you’ve discovered about yourself along your journey. Frustrations surface when you tuck the discoveries away that you don’t quite understand, pretending that it’s not inside of you instead of exploring it. But it is…and it’s begging to be seen.
This was the struggle of most of my adolescence and childhood and to be honest, a huge chunk of my adulthood.
I have a quote that I keep at the top of my “about” page that still rings true,
“There’s more to me than even I can grasp. I’m a lot. A lot of peace and a lot of confusion.”
There was so much about me that I didn’t understand. Even at a young age, I was discovering that I was deep and shallow, hard yet soft, quiet but loud. I was way too much, all wrapped in one and I just couldn't grasp it all. I was incredibly complex. A living oxymoron. I tried my best to make sense of it all. But how could I even begin to?
I struggled with social anxiety and the weight of wanting people to perceive me a certain way. I hated that I was super analytical - having to break every conversation I had apart to fully understand the exchange that had just taken place. So much frustrated me.
There was a lot that I didn’t understand, so I fought - with myself and with others. I began to distance myself from people, putting up a wall, not letting them in because of the fear that they would see the real me and not like what they see. I found myself pretending, only doing and saying certain things because I thought that it was what the people around me wanted to see and hear. I stretched myself thin trying to make everyone happy. It just became exhausting. I would go to sleep at night depleted and lonely, from not being true.
But they just don’t “get” me.
It wasn’t them. It was me. I didn’t “get” me, so how could I ever expect anyone else to?
But why did God make me this way? Didn’t he know that I would struggle to connect with others even when I really wanted to? Didn’t He know?
Of course, He did. And He still does. He put it there on purpose. He just put me on a journey to figure it out.
So how exactly do we do that? How do we figure out why God put inside of us what He did?
We have to ask Him. It’s that simple.
Think about it. Would it make sense to go to someone else for answers about who we are when we could go straight to the One who created us? We tend to look for answers everywhere else and while we actually can get a lot of insight to who we are elsewhere, we will never fully understand without going to our Creator.
God knows you. After all, He was the one who created you.
How else will you know why you have that incredible sense of humor, that super soft heart, or that assertiveness? He created you just like that for a reason, for purposes only He knows.
If your qualities confuse or trouble you, seek the One who made you. He can show you just why He put it there.
As God begins to show you, watch what amazing acceptance of yourself you’ll start to have. Things will just start making sense. You'll enjoy discovering new things about yourself and even find yourself running to God to find out how you can use it for His glory.
And before you know it, you'll be walking proudly in authenticity.
Have you ever struggled with your identity? Let's chat about it. Leave a comment below or tweet me to discuss.