This year of 2013 is coming to an end and I have been doing a lot of reflecting. As I think about this year I can see more and more of God's purpose for the things I went through. I call it my "year of recovery". To be quite honest, God has worked on me this year more than He ever has. I have grieved losses, experienced trying of my faith, and have really been put in a position to trust God. I have learned SO much about myself and have grown more in love with God and can see how much He has taken care of me and restored a lot of my brokenness. I am amazed at my progress but I must admit that the adjustments are not as easy as I thought they would be.
To be 100% transparent, I find myself so blown away at my growth sometimes that it scares me. It scares me because I have evolved so much this year and can clearly see God putting the pieces in my life together so that I can start walking in the purpose that He designed for me. Knowing that I am getting closer to my purpose is exciting yet scary at the same time. I notice that I question my abilities a lot. Am I capable? That's the question I continuously ask myself. The thing is, I know that God wouldn't take me into any territory without preparing me first. I know that. But that doesn't make it any less frightening for me. It's like I'm being prepared for something and I don't even know what it is yet.
What's most interesting in this growth process is when I start seeing changes in myself that even I find it hard to believe. It's funny when you shock yourself. I am responding to situations differently, speaking up at times when I would normally be quiet and being quiet in situations when I would normally speak up. My discernment has been refined, and my compassion has multiplied. I'm changing. And the person I used to be is fighting the person that I am becoming.
Somewhere in my subconscious, I have not fully given myself permission to grow up. There are thoughts like, "What will people think of me?" And because I occasionally have those thoughts I at times allow fear from allowing me to be 100% great. It's like I have given myself permission to be 75% great, but if I go that full 100%, I fear that I will get a lot of side-eyes from people around me who won't understand.
I hope I'm making some kind of sense here lol, but these are things that I have been thinking about lately. My recent prayer is that God would take my fear away. The fear of the unknown, the fear of what people will think, and any other fear that may be a hindrance to me receiving everything that the Lord has for me. It definitely is a process. But I'm glad to say that I am slowly getting there.
I write often. Not just here on my blog in my own personal time. I find great relief in writing, so I journal about pretty much everything. I write about my thoughts, I frequently write poetry and sometimes when I can't articulate my thoughts into written words or if I am just too lazy to write, I release my thoughts and record them in my phone. Yesterday morning, this same topic was on my mind and I recorded my random, free, scattered thoughts. I decided to share them. Now I must warn you that I did not plan this or edit this in any way lol, these are my raw, random feelings on the topic of growth.
Are you experiencing the same? Have you freed yourself from fear and given yourself permission to grow? Click below to take a listen.