Surrounded But Alone

Being around a lot of people often who don’t know the depths of me has become exhausting. To me, it is truly the loneliest feeling.

The habit of showing others the best parts of me has become my normal. Everyone naturally wants to be liked and accepted. And we do this by showing our best selves, our most creative and talented selves, our most beautiful and flawless selves.

But I’ve come to learn and understand for myself…for Saunya, that those kinds of surface relationships are not enough. Not for me anyway.

Because I am more of a reflective person that longs for meaning and seeks inspiration always, I know that for me, surface relationships are unfulfilling. They don’t reach my core, the innermost parts of my heart, the nucleus of my being.

To have that part of me go untouched day in and day out is slowly dimming my light. The light that I've worked so hard to find, the light I've worked so hard to shine.

My truth is that I am a soft hearted, hurting, recovering broken person, in the process of healing. I am a woman who struggles daily with past hurts and loss. I am an individual who craves intimacy and transparency. I am not perfect. And as much as I long for my life to inspire others, I do not want people to think that the best of me is all of me, because it isn’t.

I cry myself to sleep at night several times a week, begging God for understanding. I drop to my knees and ask God “Why?” all the time! I am human, a sinful being, working and fighting to build my spirit and not allow my flesh to destroy my destiny. I fight everyday to make sure that God is pleased with me. And many times, that isn’t the most pretty picture.

Those unpretty, real and raw parts of me that I worked so hard to protect and keep distant from the people that surround me, are the same parts that I am currently longing for people to see. That part of me is PART OF ME. I can’t omit any parts of myself anymore to make people like what I want them to see. It’s unfair to myself and to others who want to know the real me.

The intimacy I long for, I will never be able to have unless I bear my heart regularly and show those “ugly” parts of me that I try to hide. My truth…Saunya’s truth will never be fully understood or received if parts of me go unseen or hidden.

And the fear of being judged is no longer a factor.