I’m a perfectionist. A big one. I see things the way I want them and aim for that standard that I have set for myself. Now I can’t say if that is a good or bad thing, but I have noticed that it at times has negatively affected my stress levels and courage to do the work God has called me to do. Somewhere along my journey, I developed a fixation for perfectionism not realizing that perfection does not exist in the human form. Mistakes will be made, slip-ups will occur and mess-ups will happen. And that's okay.
The day I discovered this about myself, I asked, “Are you being realistic Saunya?” I began to notice how I would develop in my mind exactly how I wanted the things that I do to be delivered and received and if it didn't go the way I planned, I would be disappointed. I began to notice this cycle and I started to question why I couldn't just relax and go with the flow. The habit I was developing in wanting everything that I did to be perfect was causing me to constantly be unhappy with my efforts and even causing me to not want to do them at all. I realized that I wanted complete control of everything that I did and that wasn't realistic.
I'm human. The gifts that God has blessed me with to share was not intended to be delivered “perfectly” but delivered. It could possibly be full of mistakes and flaws, but as long as the job gets done and the message is relayed, I should know that God is pleased. Now this doesn't mean that I can't still strive for my best, but I know that God would not have given me the gifts He did if He didn't believe that I could deliver them effectively. And that keeps me from stressing over it. Even if my efforts may not produce those perfect results that I expect from myself, I know that if I allow the Holy Spirit to work through me, all work that I do for God will be perfect in His eyes because it will be part of His plan.
"So, my dear brothers and sisters, be strong and steady, always enthusiastic about the Lord's work, for you know that nothing you do for the Lord is ever useless." - 1 Corinthians 15:58
This scripture reminded me that my focus should just be on doing those things that God has set out for me to do. I don't have to worry about how perfect my delivery is or how well I perform in my delivery, but to just deliver. As long as I am obedient and sincere in my efforts, God will honor that and take care of the rest.
This reminds me of the story of Moses. When God appeared to him in the form of a burning bush, and told him that he was to deliver the children of Israel out of Egypt from Pharaoh, Moses questioned his abilities.
"But Moses pleaded with the Lord, "O Lord, I’m not very good with words. I never have been, and I’m not now, even though you have spoken to me. I get tongue-tied, and my words get tangled.”
Then the Lord asked Moses, “Who makes a person’s mouth? Who decides whether people speak or do not speak, hear or do not hear, see or do not see? Is it not I, the Lord? Now go! I will be with you as you speak, and I will instruct you in what to say." - Exodus 4:10-11
This teaches me to stop trying to do everything in my own power and allow the Lord to work through me. I am not perfect but God is. If I release control and give the Lord free reign to do His work through me, I will never be disappointed, and I will never have to worry if I did a good enough job. I will know that the perfect God that is doing work through me will produce the perfect results that He desires.