It's as if my heart knew something I didn't know.
It literally wouldn’t let me sleep. I tossed and turned, squeezed my eyelids shut a few times, and still…they popped right back open, staring into the blackness of my room.
I intensely pleaded. I rolled right back over, tossed a pillow off my bed in hopes of making me comfortable enough to finally slip into a snooze but once again my eyelids exhaustedly peeled back, revealing a still darkness all around me. The beating in my chest was just way too loud.
So I gave up.
“WHAT is happening?!” I thought to myself. I was confused and frustrated all at the same time. My mind was racing a mile a minute while my heart was racing even faster.
I began to cry. I asked God, “Why won’t You let me sleep?”
And there I laid with my head in a puddle of tears afraid of my own thoughts.
I realized just why I was fighting.
My heart had awakened.
It is 7:00am as I am writing this and my heart is STILL beating loudly. You would think something startled me or something happened, but no… It’s just me and my thoughts and my crazily beating heart. It was 4am when I grabbed my phone and finally stopped wrestling. I began writing poetry about how I was feeling.
(When I can’t quite grasp what I’m experiencing or understand what I’m feeling I tend to write poetry. Somehow when I go back and read, I swear it decodes what I was feeling. Weird I know. But it somehow always interprets what I feel effortlessly. Like the words just spill out straight from my heart.)
And then I remembered the last thing I read before I laid down to sleep:
“Your heart as a woman is the most important thing about you. -- The longings God has written deep in your heart are telling you something essential about what it means to be a woman, and the life he meant for you to live. Now we know — many of those desires have gone unmet, or been assaulted, or simply so long neglected that most women end up living two lives. On the surface we are busy and efficient, professional even. We are getting by. On the inside women lose themselves in a fantasy world or in cheap novels, or we give ourselves over to food or some other addiction to numb the ache of our hearts. But your heart is still there, crying out to be set free, to find the life your desires tell you of.”
- Excerpt from chapter one of book, “Captivating - Unveiling The Mystery of a Woman’s Soul” by John & Stasi Eldredge
Yes, this is exactly the last words I read before I went to sleep. Remember my post about my soul agreeing? Well, It’s safe to say that my soul and my heart agreed so much that my literal heart had a literal reaction. My heart was wrecked!
Those words filled my spirit with its truth and broke every stronghold I had built around my heart. And to my surprise, my physical heart had a direct reaction in alignment with these words.
God wouldn’t let me sleep because He had something to reveal to me!
Truth is, I’m a reflective, highly sensitive woman with deep desires and a very vivid imagination. I dream a lot.
If my imagination could play on a reel through my heart… you would see:
The world saved from evil and my sweet heart pursued and loved deeply forever. Life full of love, inspiration, brunches, crisp air, incredible scenery, travel and genuine friends. A strong, good-hearted man on fire for the Lord would woo me to my core, protect me and give his last for our family.
There would be bouncing babies that are so deeply loved. Life would be full of songs and singing and intense laughter. Every morning the sun would rise on my face while the early birds chirp their beautiful songs. And my hair magically twist, detangle and style itself on its own. (wishful thinking lol)
I close my eyes and visit this place often. But I also struggle with my imagination because I don't want it to be sweeter than my reality. So as quick as it comes is as quick as I shoo it away. Deep down I’ve settled on believing that it could never be reality; that my reality could never be nearly as sweet.
Is my perceived reality sucking the sweet life out of my creativity? Have I allowed the monotony of life to keep me from dreaming?
Well as Eldredge suggests, the desires of our hearts creep up from time to time pulling at us, begging to be seen. And me? I’ve learned to ignore them because of my fear of not ever receiving what I truly desire.
And last night, it all blew up right in my face. God gently nudged me and exposed my lack of faith. I pray for the desires in my heart and deep down I don’t believe.
It’s like my heart knew something I didn’t know. My heart believed something my mind just couldn't grasp.
But God, I hear you. I’ll unveil my heart and give it the freedom to dream howsoever it wants. I believe. I’ll no longer shoo away hidden desires that I think are silly because of my limited concept of your capacity to grant me even more than what I desire.
I trust You and I’ll believe. My heart does, and it’s time that I do too.
“God places such high value on our desire because our desire is the only vehicle upon which he can lay his own. The best way for God to get his desires is to plant them in us and have us pray for them! Our longings reveal our affinity for him.” - Jack R. Taylor, “Prayer, Life’s Limitless Reach”